life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
there is another microwave in the elevator.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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