my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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