What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
