seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
