You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
