He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
where are my eyebrows?
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