Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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