I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
