The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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