There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
