Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
