Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
