do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
