NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
