remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
