How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
