My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
