so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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