Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
