if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dear god my vagina.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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