My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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