sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
