I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right