Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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