don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize