And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
