You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
