So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
