Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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