Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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