can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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