I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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