census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
