As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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