I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
