I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
