No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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