i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
