I think my fart just growled at me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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