No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
