I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
