I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
