Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
