A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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