It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
