i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
