Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
