I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
