I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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