so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
