yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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