Will you blow on my dice?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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