its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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