She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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