I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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