I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
