youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you traded sex for a burrito?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
