Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
