tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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