Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
